my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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