My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
