I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
