I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
