God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
