I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
