wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
