We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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