You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
