Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
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I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
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Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.