we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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