Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
