Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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