I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
this hospital has no fireball
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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