Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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