just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
