She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
