so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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