im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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