i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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