24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
