I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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