The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
