My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
