I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
