Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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