oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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