Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
