btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
