it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
