I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
