I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
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your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
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You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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