and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
