True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
