I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
