Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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