I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
