I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It was a blind-side dick pic.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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