I wish my penis had an off switch
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
