I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
