hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
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i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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