Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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