Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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