She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
