Your mouth is God's brothel.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
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When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
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FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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