my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
