im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
