dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
People in love make me want to vomit
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
