he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
