make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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