This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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